It is hard to believe Heavyweights the Disney classic that tells the story of several portly adolescents and their summer at a fictitious weight loss camp aptly named Camp Hope came out almost 20 years ago (1995).
To put that into perspective and make those of us who remember the movie vividly feel old Friends was concluding its first season on NBC; The Usual Suspects, Seven, Braveheart, Clueless, Billy Madison, and Toy Story all made their theatrical debuts (wow 1995 was a solid movie year); Nebraska won its second consecutive National Championship on the gridiron; and Microsoft released Windows 95 – you know, back when Microsoft releasing things was still a big deal.
Heavyweights was produced by Judd Apatow (yes, the same Judd Apatow responsible for Freaks and Geeks, Knocked Up, etc.) and starred a young Ben Stiller as Tony Perkis, the fitness guru who buys a well-meaning weight loss camp with aspirations of an infomercial payday (think White Goodman from Dodgeball and you have an almost identical character).
The movie centers on Gerald Garner, an 11-year old from Long Island who is sent against his will to Camp Hope by his parents on the first day of Summer. As his father (Jeffrey Tambor) so kindly tells Gerry about his weight weve got to nip this thing in the bud. (Remember, this was the 1990s, and childhood obesity was still OK to joke about).
Gerry, ever the skeptic, begrudgingly begins to accept his fate when he meets annual campers Roy (Keenan Thompson), Josh (Shaun Weiss, aka Goldberg from the Mighty Ducks), friendly counselor Pat (Tom McGowan, a classic that guy you may recognize from Frazier) and others on the first day. He realizes they generally just have a good time and dont lose any weight whatsoever, coming back year-after-year for more of the same. Now, why their parents keep sending them back to the same camp sans weight loss annually is a discussion for another time.
But the fun is about to end as Tony Perkis buys Camp Hope from the well-meaning Bushkin couple (played by Stillers real life parents), and turns the tranquil Summer retreat into a fitness-obsessed prison Tony plans to make the entire ordeal a weight-loss infomercial. The movie proceeds to follow our camper heroes as they try to survive Camp Hell.
While embarking on my first lacrosse Summer Circuit this year, I had many thoughts and observations. While I played and went through the recruiting process only 10 years ago (I ended up attending Wesleyan University), the scene is a much different one than it was in 2003/2004. Back then, there were only a few Summer events, and club teams had yet to really hit the scene. Now, weekly camps, tournaments and showcases fill the calendar and you play with your club team as much as your high school team.
Whats the best way to pass along these observations and give you something to read in mid-August? Why via a Bill Simmons-inspired movie quotes as awards of course!
So here you go, thoughts, musings and observations from the Summer Circuit, with help from Heavyweights.
Summer Camp?! No way! I have plans this Summer. Im gunna hang out!
So says our protagonist Gerald Gerry Garner as he discovers after he arrives home on the last day of school to an ambush meeting with his parents and a salesman that he is being shipped away to fat camp. These immortal words are awarded to every player who participated in lacrosse events, tournaments, and showcases this summer.
While June and July were once a time reserved for relaxation and pool parties, those months have now morphed into recruiting central.
As I embarked to various locations to cover these events, I could not help but question what was going on, why 14-year-olds were suddenly sacrificing their Summer vacation and making life-altering decisions like where to attend college, for example at such young ages.
But thanks largely to NCAA rules allowing for an accelerated recruiting timeline, this fact is going nowhere. If anything, loopholes and relaxed regulations will only fan the flames in coming years.
Thus, while we can debate the merits of this recruiting timeline (and there is plenty to debate), the fact is this is recruiting in 2013. To not accept this fact is akin to hanging on to the VCR a few years too long, attempting to thwart the inevitable changeover to DVDs (that happened to a family I knew .).
So instead, lets just give a nod to the players that play more lacrosse in one summer than I ever would have wanted to in my entire teenage existence and move forward.
Islanders fan, huh? Team of the future Id say.
So notes traveling Camp Hope salesman Roger Johnson upon seeing Gerrys New York Islanders T-Shirt in the films opening sequence. This leads to a few random tangents.
Tangent One: Why in the world does a traveling salesman need to make an in-home visit to Gerrys house as if he were a five-star LB prospect in Alabama? Is he making sure Gerry is fat enough to attend Camp Hope? Was there only one Camp Hope Promotional Video that could not be trusted to the post office? Is he making a per-camper commission?
Tangent Two: Its pretty funny as a huge Rangers fan that almost 20 years later the Islanders are still kind of a team of the future, having made only four playoff appearances since 1995 and never getting out of the first round (We-want-fish sticks!).
Anyway, we give the Islanders team of the future nod to I-95, which judging from the amount of construction on the roadway, should be the most advanced road on Earth sometime in the future probably when the Isles win the Stanley Cup.
With so many events in Baltimore and the surrounding areas and living in New York City traversing this road all summer became a constant battle of wills. I dont like the road and it does not like me. The only saviors: the copious rest stops named after the likes of Thomas Edison that feature Cinnabons.
You know, I snuck in some Oreos
for emergencies.
That was very sneaky of you. Chipmunks, download, now!
In one of the more memorable scenes in the movie, Gerry after being placed in the infamous Chipmunk cabin lets ring leader and camp elder Josh know he snuck in a few Oreos in his backpack (a bold move for camp neophyte Gerry, especially sans any milk).
Sarcastically, Josh praises him before yelling for his bunkmates to download! On cue, they all begin loading bed posts, secret compartments and trunks with goodies like candy, cookies and even a deli meat (compliments of Salami Sam) they have smuggled into camp.
Well, the Chipmunk download award goes to those items I found to be necessities traveling to lacrosse camps all summer. In no particular order:
Lawn Chair(s) Needed for the many fields with no bleachers, and needs to be plural because at least one will probably break down (trust me).
Sunscreen Preferably the spray form many times the sun just hammers down on turf and before you know it you have the worlds best farmers tan.
Sunglasses Glare can be a real issue. But be wary of the dreaded raccoon eyes.
Pandora Radio/Podcasts A must for long car rides.
Google Maps The equivalent of the American Express card dont leave home without it.
Water I feel like I am often as dehydrated as the players and Im just watching.
Gum You are constantly meeting people and talking with coaches. Draw attention to yourself, but in a positive way.
Pens My old boss once told me a good PR guy always has a pen. This rule also applies for anyone writing things down in a field setting.
Car Charger – We rely on our phones for everything. Make sure you can charge it on the road.
Umbrella: Summer weather is about as unpredictable as it gets.
Thats Tim. Hes a counselor here. He used to be one of us, but then he lost a bunch of weight. We like to give him a hard time hes cool, though.
So says camper Roy about loveable (and newly thin) counselor Tim, played brilliantly by future Bridesmaids director Paul Feig. Lets ignore what he is wearing in this scene (cut off jean shorts and a cut-off Carolina Panthers jersey?!) and bestow this award to the greater Baltimore area.
As many parents and coaches can attest, you basically live at various hotels around the airport or Inner Harbor. You see enough Baltimore Ravens bumper stickers to start disliking the team for no reason. You begin to feel like a summer student at UMBC (theres no way I didn’t earn at least a few credits). You make about 3 references to Stringer Bell and Omar per hour. But Baltimore and its suburbs are fairly easy to traverse. Much like the campers in Heavyweights, I enjoy giving the area a hard time (I’m a Long Island guy, after all) but its cool, though.
While we are on the subject of travel
Its not kind of like cricket it IS cricket. Just with a smaller bat.
Counselor Tim is tasked with coaching our hope-less campers in a softball game against heated rivals Camp MVP the camp across the lake full of jocks (in 90s movie lingo: some combination of Zack Morris-like Cons sneakers, cool hats, overt bullying, a low IQ, etc.). And, of course, not one camper in Camp Hope has an athletic bone in his body (in the 90s, movie characters were all-or-nothing), so this is a nightmare waiting to happen. British camper Nicholas asks Tim if softball is like cricket so he can understand the game. Chaos ensues.
This award goes to the Hyundai Sonata. For those of us who rented cars all summer to get to events, you develop a certain affinity toward what mid-sized sedan you are about to be assigned at Budget. For me, it was the Sonata. At first, I was not a fan. But, after a while I convinced myself I liked it. It was almost like I OWNED it. I was proud of the car, and found myself hoping for the Sonata on line at the rental facility it has a built in phone charger port! And is sleek!
It was like I had my own car it wasnt kind of like owning, it WAS owning! Probably similar to how Nicholas felt about softball: It wasn’t kind of like cricket – it WAS cricket.
Now, its time to meet your new owner and operator. Tony Perkis is a man who believes in you. His life is dedicated to saying things like “YES!” and “You better believe it!” An entrepreneur, a motivator, and a new friend! May I introduce to you: TONY PERKIS!
The loveable old Bushkin couple has just revealed they are bankrupt and have been forced to sell Camp Hope (they also give some lovely and dated advice about not allowing anyone to sign your checks. Primitive identity theft awareness this movie really had it all). Everyone is saddened, and we see shocked looks and tears at the opening night assembly.
As the dreadful news is sinking in: BAM! Sirens flare, lights flash, and we are introduced over the loudspeaker to new camp leader Tony Perkis. This award goes to those families who did their homework before the Summer.
There are so many choices of camps to attend, club teams to join, and showcases to apply to. As we discover in the movie, the introduction for Mr. Perkis was generous (at best). So, a word to the wise: Do your due-diligence before committing to play for a team or at a particular event, because not all are created equal.
While on paper (er, the screen?) things always sound great, do some research before you make a decision. Ask folks who have been through the process. Speak with people you trust about specific events and where you should be looking to play in the Summer.
Most importantly: Go in with a plan, a list of schools you are interested in and a realistic idea of your skillset. It will help you tailor your choices and also have you avoid the unenviable spot of dealing with your very own Tony Perkis for an entire Summer.
Can you smell it? There’s a life force in here tonight. Do you feel it? Hmm? I look around this room, and I see
potential. I see the future chairman of a Fortune 500 company. I see a famous rap artist. I see the president of the United States of America.
As Tony gives his opening remarks after taking over Camp Hope, he looks around the room and begins arbitrarily identifying future success stories you know, what will happen when they get skinny (this movie is so wildly not-PC and would have no shot of being made today).
This award of course goes to college coaches, who have been tasked with the near impossible job of evaluating raw, young lacrosse players and projecting their future ability as athletes. To answer your obvious follow up: That is correct, some of these players have not even played high school lacrosse yet.
Best of all, Tony picks out the de-facto looking nerd (in 90s movie lingo: some combination of glasses, a sweater vest, bowtie, short-sleeved button down, foreigner, etc.) and tabs him the next president of the good ol US of A. The problem? Take it away, Gerry!
But he’s from England!
As Gerry mutters under his breath our future president is a camper from England named Nicholas, who, shockingly, is a foreigner dressed in a sweater vest and short sleeve button down (90s NERD ALERT!). This of course means he is not eligible to lead the country in the future.
The point? Identifying players whose games have largely yet to develop is a very, very difficult task and that became more obvious to me on the trail trying to do it myself.
The other point: I can only imagine the pressure young players must feel when picking up a ball out of bounds next to Virginia head coach Dom Starsia or Notre Dame head man Kevin Corrigan. How this does not turn into the Camp Hope-ers staring blankly and incredulously at Tony Perkis prophesying (Roys long, droopy stare when Tony tabs him a future rap star is nothing short of Oscar worthy. Its also pretty blatantly racist to name African American camper Roy a future rap star classic 90s) is impressive.
There is probably too much pressure on these young players, and it has to be tough for them to play in these situations. At 14, Im not sure how I would have handled that.
And now I EAT SUCCESS FOR BREAKFAST .with skim milk.
Tony tells his new campers how at age 11 he weighed 319 pounds (seriously, this was White Goodman before White Goodman), had bad skin, low self-esteem, and no self-respect. Well, its all good now, because he eats success for breakfast (no calories!) and washes it down with some skim milk (no fat!) which elicits appalled responses from our husky campers.
Well, Tonys point is valid breakfast is important, especially on the road with particularly early starts on weekends. The success for breakfast award goes to Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts, without whose delicious Iced Coffees I would not have survived.
If you are a parent or coach headed to one of these events, make sure you know the location of one of these places. All day events and iced coffee go together like Lamb and Tuna Fish.
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